New England Saturation

You heard this here first - if the Washington Redskins beat the New England Patriots, I'm putting all my money on the Patriots to make the Super Bowl.

Cases in point - In 1996, the Washington Redskins beat the New England Patriots, 27-22. The Redskins squandered a 7-1 record, and missed the playoffs while the Patriots stomped on glass slipper of the Natrone Means and the Cinderella Jacksonville Jaguars, and went to the Super Bowl, where they got beat by the Green Bay Packers.

In 2003, the Patriots lost to the Redskins in week 4, 20-17. They then proceeded to win like the next one hundred games, including a Super Bowl victory, and rode their win streak to another Super Bowl victory in 2004.

Like I said, you heard it here first. Redskins win, Patriots succeed later on.

Well, it's been confirmed - the MVP of the World Series is getting a Malibu. And not just any Malibu, but a Hybrid Malibu. They took a gay car, and applied the gayness of hybrids to it, thus making it even gayer. And because the trade off of going from a Corvette the previous year to a fucking Malibu, GM decided to give away a second car to the MVP, which is Hybrid Yukon, or whatever other giant American Fuck-You-Mobile SUVs is on their lineup. Because of the sheer fact that pretty much everyone on the Red Sox roster is pretty much already rollin', the cars should go to Jacoby Ellsbury, who looks like he doesn't even have his learner's permit yet. I'm sure he has yet to get his set of exotics, seeing as how he's still making rookie money, but with the way he played last night, an inevitable payday is on the horizon. Besides, the kid just won everyone a free taco, which makes him an MVP in my book.

So let's look at those still in the running for the two pieces of shit cars:


STILL the Front Runner

J.D. Drew, Right Field
5/11, .455 avg., 2 RBI, 2 2B






Likely Candidate based on Popularity

David Ortiz, Designated Hitter / First Base
4/12, .333 avg., 3 RBI, 3 2B






Still putting up Good Stats, but no Chance in Hell

Julio Lugo, Shortstop
4/10, .400 avg., 1 RBI, 1 2B






The Rightful Winner

Jacoby Ellsbury, Outfield
5/12, .417 avg., 3 RBI, 3 2B, 1 SB that won America a free taco






Snuck into the Running

Dustin Pedroia, Second Base
5/14, .357 avg., 4 RBI, 1 HR, 1 2B






Very Likely because he is the Ace Pitcher

Josh Beckett, Starting Pitcher
7.0 IP, 1.29 ERA, 9 Ks






The Closer is always a Candidate

Jonathan Papelbon, Closer
2.2 IP, 0.00 ERA, 2 Ks, 2 Saves





Like I said - none of these guys need two more cars, let alone crappy ones. One more to go, and then we can bid this baseball season adieu